The art of marriage

[aadler]

My daughter (sroni) and her fiancé have now returned from the home of the friend she was visiting. The last time her fiancé was here, he was just a visitor; it was clear that they were approaching serious status, but they weren’t there yet. Now it’s an entirely different matter, and I’m trying to respond accordingly.

Part of that was observing to him: “I used to have all kinds of ideas about how to choose the right kind of person to marry, and how to prepare myself for marriage. I never actually abandoned those ideas, but as time has gone by, I’ve increasingly found myself focusing more on the absolute basics: Will this person keep the promises he/she has made? Will he/she hang in there and keep working at it, even when things have gone to shit? Because they will.” I followed that quickly by observing, “It’s possible for two people to spend years, not able to stand each other.” (Which I know from experience.)

It’s true. It’s absolutely true. The standing paradox — ever notice how much of reality is paradoxical? — is that, if you focus instead on devoting yourself to the marriage itself, and set yourself outside the common notion of marriage as a means to personal fulfillment, you can easily end up acquiring and enjoying precisely that fulfillment. As with so many things connected to happiness, you don’t get it by seeking it, but by letting go of yourself.

Still working on the part where I manage to convince Susan of exactly how much she means to me (just because I feel it, doesn’t mean she truly believes I feel it), but reaching the point where it’s there is the first part.