Household changes

[aadler]

 
My brother has effectively moved in with me, though this probably won’t last very long. It appears that he’ll have his children with him on a regular and frequent basis, and he’s always been particular about his independence, privacy, and freedom to control his environment. What we have now is a stopgap measure, instituted primarily so he can make sure his soon-to-be-ex-wife doesn’t go under financially. Once he knows that she has a fighting chance, and that he won’t need to use his income to subsidize her through further crises, he’ll acquire a place of his own.

It’s hard for me to avoid comparing his situation with where I was ten years ago. There were so many obvious similarities between his wife’s personality and that of my own (then) wife, and observations he made to me at the time matched so strongly with the way I saw things, that it would be easy to draw parallels that don’t actually pertain. He and I are similar, our respective exes are similar, and a lot of the patterns seem to repeat. Visibly, at least.

It’s the differences that draw my notice. My wife was chronically unhappy, blamed me for her unhappiness, was dissatisfied with my best efforts, and divorced me in spite of everything I could do. She did not, however, have affairs, nor (worse) behave as if she was entitled to do so because 1) I hadn’t made her happy, and 2) I’d had girlfriends before she and I ever met. (The assertion that a social life before marriage justifies infidelity … well, that’s simply insane.)

The woman who divorced me, despite her shortcomings, remains one of the finest people I’ve ever known. Even when she was so emotional that she couldn’t really be fair, she always tried to be so. Once a few years of distance put the immediate causes of hostility behind us, we were able to deal with one another civilly and — eventually — with respect and affectionate consideration.

I don’t expect my brother to have such an amiable post-marriage relationship. When all is said and done, even apart from her actual offenses, his wife was never of the same quality as mine.

Comments

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

That is utterly insane. I guess unfaithful people have to justify it to themselves somehow to live with themselves. I don't know your ex-wife at all but from the way you've spoken of her here and elsewhere it's hard for me to imagine she is anything like your brother's soon to be ex.

Just from what you have said here I am concerned. Has this woman ever managed money successfully on her own? Does she harbor irrational hostility toward your brother that may manifest itself in a financial manner? Especially with kids in the mix your brother may want to protect himself from having things like his credit rating trashed. I feel a little stupid cautioning you from such a far distance and so little information (as is only proper) but I've seen it happen before. The honorable partner in the relationship wishes to do right by the less honorable to the extent that they harm themselves.

[aadler]

His credit is probably an unavoidable casualty, but he’ll do what I did: rebuild it on his own once he’s no longer financially coupled to her.

The rest, well, even in a distant forum I’ve probably already said as much as I should. But I definitely appreciate your concern.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

Eeek! I just realized that sounded very much like nosing for more information. Really, it's none of my business. But I really hate to see good people taken advantage of. I hope everything turns out well and you and yours are in my prayers.

[aadler]

I wasn’t criticizing or snubbing you, I simply realized that I was getting close to some boundaries. My feelings about these matters are mine; the things themselves belong to my brother’s life. I don’t want to go too far into his private business, even in an ‘anonymous’ forum.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

Oh, I didn't feel snubbed. I was just mad at myself for phrasing my cautions as questions. Electronic communications has it's limits. :)